Remember that girl who seemed so into you at first, but turned ice cold before you could even take her on a date?
You know, the one from that dating site, who you swapped a few messages with, then never heard from again.
Maybe it was that girl who seemed so eager to punch her number into your phone, yet suddenly stopped responding to your texts…
Don’t worry—we’ve all been there. Every guy I know has suffered through the disappointment and frustration that comes from wondering, “What happened? Why won’t this girl even give me a chance?”
If you’ve ever wondered that, I have good news…and more good news. First, it wasn’t you—it was your messages. Almost everything she knew about you came via messaging, and so that’s all she really “rejected”—your messages.
Better yet, your messages probably sucked because you—like every other guy—believe the myths of conventional wisdom. It’s an incredibly common mistake for good reason—in fact, for 2 good reasons…
Reason 1: We think she wants us to make it about her world when she wants us to draw her into ours
If you reread the last few texts or messaging exchanges you had with women that went nowhere, you’ll probably notice you made it all about her. I could cite at least a dozen ways men this mistake, but I’ll limit myself to one because it’s easy to spot: becoming a boring interviewer. You’ll find the “mark” of this attraction killer at the end of your sentences. It looks like this: ?. (That’s right—the question mark is ruining your love life.)
Asking “interview-style” questions seems natural because it’s what we usually do whenever we’re getting to know someone. While this may be a good strategy when networking or making friends, it almost NEVER sparks attraction in women.
While it may sound obvious, keep in mind: she’s messaging you because she wants to learn more…ABOUT YOU. How much of “you” shows when you’re conducting an interviewing? Exactly.
Now, this is not to say you shouldn’t get to know her or that you should prattle on about yourself like some clueless narcissist. Instead, you want to draw her into your world while also hearing her story. This was a struggle for me until I discovered a “secret weapon” that instantly injects any exchange with a healthy dose of flirtatiousness.
I turned my questions into presumptions that invite her to glimpse into my world. For example, I transformed a cliché question like, “Where’d you grow up?” into a loaded presumption: “Why do I have a sneaking suspicion you grew up on the East Coast… Lemme guess Boston or New York”.
I call this a “loaded” presumption because I’m using it to pique a woman’s curiosity. Right or wrong, she’ll want to know more, which usually leads her to ask, “What makes you think that?”
My answer might be complementary or insightful or even playful. All that matters is I’m pulling her into my world.
Quick Tip: Start turning interview-style questions into loaded presumptions that get her curious about how you think.
Reason 2: We value playing it safe over displaying our personality
If I had a nickel for every time I was told to ‘just be myself,’ I might have enough to pay for the lifetime of therapy needed to cope with my regret over all the girls I lost trying to be myself…and failing miserably.
Ironically, “just be yourself” would be great advice…if someone could explain exactly how to do it. It’s not ‘just’ that easy. That’s because most guys confuse ‘WHO they are’ with ‘HOW they feel.’ No one understands this better than me!
In my early-20s whenever I found myself talking to an attractive woman, I thought it was a momentous event that I did NOT want to screw up. Desperately, I racked my brain for things to talk about, which I thought would get her to like me.
I was ready to jump on whatever topic would keep a woman talking. (I once entertained a 36-minute conversation on the “cuteness” of Justin Timberlake’s new hairstyle—embarrassing!)
I thought this was how to get women to like me, but it did just the opposite. The more I tried to appease, the more I drove women away. “Well duh,” you might be thinking, “Faking an interest in topics like J.T.’s super cute new doo is clearly NOT being yourself.”
I agree with you, but keep in mind: hindsight is 20/20. While I may know better now, at the time I was CONVINCED that I WANTED to discuss such “women-friendly” topics. Most guys think they know who they are…until they’re flooded with strong emotion. Like a spell, emotions cloud our perception and cause us to lose sight of our identity.
Think back to your last conversation with a very attractive woman. Did you really convey your TRUE opinions, ideas, views, and aspirations? Your sense of humor? Were you completely honest? Did you “fake laugh” at her jokes? (C’mon, we ALL fake laugh!)
Sadly, this is what causes us to seem weird, creepy, and like every other boring guy. Scary as it may be, you need be 100% authentic, 100% of the time. For me, this was (and still is) an ongoing challenge, which first meant learning exactly who I am!
For weeks, I made a habit of writing my hobbies, interests, and likes as well as my dislikes, turn-offs, and opinions. I then “studied” my notes on myself so I could better articulate my identity. Once I combined that newfound understanding with some basic teasing and banter, I became comfortable playfully disagreeing with women.
Not only was this approach more true to myself, it was like discovering I’ve had access to this powerful aphrodisiac my whole life and I was covering it up with small talk, politeness, and playing it safe. Also, I’ll never have to sit through 36 minutes of blabber about Justin Timberlake’s hair.
Quick Tip: Make a list of 20 movies you like and 20 you hate. The next time you’re talking to an attractive woman, try to steer the conversation toward movies, and then playfully disagree with her if she likes a movie on your “hate” list.